keep going....

Its hard to explain what the past month has done to every part of you and me. I think for a long time I wanted to tell myself I didn’t “need” you, but I enjoyed life more when you are around. Nothing has ever proven to be so wrong. For the first time in my life I feel like I cant live without someone else. I use to feel like I had this upper hand on this relationship, or somehow was guarded enough that hurting me would never really be option. That is all gone now. I think the minute I read that test everything I thought I knew about myself and us, was gone. The hardest part is I so desperately want to tell you how I feel right now, what this really is doing to me, what I cant feel anymore, what I feel too much, and how scared I am everyday. I cant tho, because I see it on your face when I bring it up. I see that way that it annoys you… or I’m dragging it out… making it a bigger deal than it is to you. I think in a lot of ways I will never forgive myself for my pride that day. I should of made you come in that room with me, and I think you needed to see part of my soul leave my body that day, and my heart break into a million pieces. That experience was one of the scariest I’ve had, one of the loneliest I’ve endured, but something I still to this moment in time do not regret.

It was the right choice, and I am relived every day I made the decisions I did. What I regret is not preparing myself, and going through something so serious with you, and still not being able to talk to you about my feelings. I don’t think Ive ever needed to just tell you and cry in front of you as I have in the past few weeks. The closest I have gotten is waiting for you to close you eyes and drift off, and than I began to cry. For the past two weeks, every night I wait and I cry. Usually I hold your hand as tight as I can, and hope you don’t wake up. I’m not crying because of the choice I made or anything along those lines at all. I’m crying because I feel like I lost some piece of me that day and I cant find it. Everyday I’m so scared you’ll notice its gone and you will leave me.

It comes down to what I spent so long fighting to reclaim. For so many years before you I let my demons claim every piece of me, and for a long time I wasn’t even capable of looking in the mirror. I worked for so many years to control those problems, to keep them at bay, and to become a better, strong, smarter woman. Finally I got did it… I felt sane. I was calm, I was smart, I was happy, I was laughing, I was eating, I was breathing…… The feelings I have after this past month, slipped and stole some of my pieces… You fell in love with the person I worked so hard to become and work towards… that I cant afford to lose the pieces… If you cant already tell the problem here is I honestly have lost the feelings that make me love myself. I went from pride in what I became to snooping online worried you are cheating on me. I went from happy to scared. I wish I could tell you without scaring you, or pushing you, or annoying you but lately I cant find my voice. I just wish I could explain the love that I have for you, and how deep it truly goes. And I wish and pray that you love me  enough for the both of us.